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Issue #7 by Viveca Monahan

For Danny, whose indomitable spirit and courage graces my life..

IN THIS ISSUE: Knowing your underlying beliefs can free you from being enslaved by them.

• IDEA: When you notice you are "hooked" by someone else's behavior, consider that the clue to becoming unhooked may not be with the hook, but in the bait.
• TOOL: Use this simple "Bait Examiner" to discover a hidden belief, and get unhooked.
• RESOURCES: These resources can help us cut through the foolishness of our thinking, making real change possible.

IDEA: When you notice you are "hooked" by someone else's behavior, consider that the clue to becoming unhooked may not be with the hook but in the bait. (My son, Daniel, has generously granted me permission to write about him...)

Being a woman of a certain age, I'm accustomed to hot flashes, memory lapses and vaguely embarrassing moments in public. And so it felt natural to be sitting next to Danny in his doctor's office, feeling hot around my neck, and fully clueless when he revealed: "I'm so weak because I don't get enough protein. I would eat more if there were ever food in the house". He continued, "Sometimes I have to work so hard it makes me too tired to eat". And finally, "These dark circles under my eyes are because I'm so hungry at night and my parents won't let me have a snack..."

Doctor looked at me . My pursed lips and slit eyes appealed in silent conspiracy, do-you-really-believe-this-crap? But Doctor didn't respond in kind. He remained expressionless. Oh, I just knew what he was thinking. He was thinking that this is about a 13-year old boy's desperate cry for competent parenting and not about his unfit self-indulgent mother who obviously gets plenty to eat. Obviously.

Suddenly Doctor morphed into a very big all-knowing authority while I shrank in my seat.

I was hooked.

TOOL: Use this simple "Bait Examiner" to discover a hidden belief and get unhooked.

In your journal ask yourself a few poignant questions about the 'Fisherman', the 'Hook' , and the 'Bait'. Where the Fisherman is the challenging other person; the Hook is that 'something' you perceive he/she is doing to challenge you; and the Bait is the lure of your own 'stuff' and your beliefs around it. Once you've identified the players, you can rewrite the outcome with a new belief.

1. Who is the Fisherman and what are the basic facts regarding this situation?

2. What is the Hook? (What is he/she doing that challenges you?)

3. What is the Bait? (your stuff and your beliefs around it)

4. How can you replace this lure with something less juicy? What new belief will you create?

To illustrate, I'll use my story with Danny and the doctor.

1. Who is the Fisherman and what are the basic facts regarding this situation?

Danny is the fisherman Facts:. He is underweight for his age and height. His appetite has been curbed since he began taking stimulant medication for his ADHD. He is particular about what he eats and how it is prepared. He generally will not prepare his own meal or snack, and has often chosen to go without food rather than prepare it himself. He turns down much of what I prepare for him. And our grocery bills are exorbitant. If Danny does not start to put on weight, the doctor said he will take him off his stimulant.

2. What is the Hook?

The Hook is Danny's story about why he is underweight. (It's Mom's fault) . The implication seems to be that Mom is not providing for him; she doesn't care...

3. What is the Bait?

I am frustrated with myself for how out of control I let this food thing go. It is my fault that Danny is underweight, and I am helpless to do anything about it. I am incompetent in the eyes of the doctor, which makes me feel immature and stupid.

4. Replace this lure with something less juicy.

Create a new belief. Danny's neurology creates huge challenges for him and for me. It is no one's fault; it just is. I can best support him (and myself) by collaborating with him on this problem, creating agreements with him, and honoring them. The rest is up to him.

(Note: within this scenario there was another "Fisherman"- the doctor. The "Hook"? His silent 'look' and my assumptions around what that meant. The "Juicy Bait"? My ingrained belief that male doctors are all-knowing and wise. Since he wasn't applauding my parenting, he must have been judging and criticizing. New Beliefs? I don't make assumptions about someone's 'look'. If I want more information, I can just ask for it. Male doctors are human beings. I fully trust my instincts as a woman and mother.)

RESOURCES: These resources can help us cut through the foolishness of our thinking, making real change possible.

• Handbook for Constructive Living by David K. Reynolds, Ph.D. Constructive living is the action-based way of combining straight-talk and two celebrated Japanese psychotherapies: Morita and Naikan. Morita teaches us to accept our imperfections and live constructively with them. Naikan focuses attention outward, avoiding self-absorption while reflecting on our relationships.
• www.todoinstitute.org (pronounced toe doe) A retreat and educational center offering natural alternatives to mental wellness.
• www.thework.org/about/index.html The Work of Byron Katie is a process of inquiry that is helps people see their problems from a different perspective. She has several books including, her recent Loving What Is.

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